Starving for love?

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Disordered eating can be an expression of an internal conflict about needs. We all have basic human needs for love, attention, comfort, and so forth. If those needs are not met, or not consistently met, people feel humiliated about having needs. That’s when “needs” are seen as “neediness” and experienced as something negative, to be avoided.

Those struggling with anorexia resolve this conflict by restricting food, and often relationships. The unconscious thought is: “I don’t need anything, not food and not friends.”

Men and women dealing with binge eating resolve this conflict by attaching all their needs to food. They unconsciously believe: “People can’t be trusted to meet my needs consistently so I will have a relationship with food, which is always available, always consistent and fills up my internal emptiness.”

People struggling with bulimia combine the two strategies by expressing their needs by binging, and then purging their perceived neediness. Their unconscious thought: “I need so much, so I will binge. But I hate that I have needs, so I will purge!”

What do you need more of in your life?

In what areas of your life do you feel deprive?

What’s it like to think about your own needs and wants?

When you change your relationship to yourself, your relationship to food will change, too!

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Crying Is Okay Here

Recently Sloane (not her real name) arrived late to our session. Before our meeting she had an appointment with a realtor, who got a flat tire and was over thirty minutes late to their meeting, which in turn made her late.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she apologized. “I wouldn’t blame you if you were upset. It’s rude and disrespectful for me to be this late.”

I wondered if she was upset at the realtor who kept her waiting.

“Not at all,” she shrugged. “It’s not his fault that he had a flat tire. I don’t have the right to be upset. I can’t be mad if there’s a good reason for what happened.”

Although she expected me to be upset that she was late - also for circumstances outside her control - she could not give herself the same right.

“You know what really upsets me? The bagel I ate for breakfast. Disgusting!” She went on to criticize her weight, her lack of control and various other perceived deficiencies.

Sloane did not give herself the right to be angry that she’d been kept waiting, whatever the circumstances, and instead expressed that anger and frustration by turning on herself and finding fault with her body and life choices.

She denied her anger, and then took it out on herself.

Feelings are not rational. Emotions are outside the purview of logic. If you deny and dismiss your feelings towards people, it is likely that you will turn on yourself instead. You may eat to express the feelings via the action of eating (ie, expressing anger by eating something crunchy like chips, an apple, pretzels), use food to comfort yourself (ie, ice cream, cookies, to soothe yourself) or redirect the feelings by attacking your body and yourself, as in the example above.

Here are some other ways people dismiss or deny their feelings:

“I’m mad at the situation, not the person”

“I shouldn’t feel that way. “

“It’s wrong to be angry” or “It’s not nice to be upset”

“I don’t want to be an angry (depressed/anxious/) person.”

“So what if that bothered me? Other people have it a lot worse!”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? If so, give yourself the right to feel what you feel.

Feelings aren’t a reflection of your character or personality. They are reactions to situations.

Your feelings need your attention, not your condemnation!

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.

(Don't) Eat your feelings!

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Recently I sat at a local park and watched two toddlers playing in a sandbox, scooping sand into a pail. One of them suddenly ran off with a shovel. The other burst into tears.

Her anxious mother ran up, saying, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, it’s okay.”

The little girl continued to bawl.

Her mother hurriedly reached into her bag and pulled out a box of animal crackers. “Here,” she said, shoving the cookie towards her daughter, “Have a cookie.”

In that moment the girl learned her feelings upset others and she either shouldn’t have them or show them, but if she absolutely can't stop the feelings, a cookie will resolve the problem.

As I watched and listen to this exchange, I realized it replicated the internal process of disordered eating. Sometimes when people start to feel something - anger, sadness, hurt, resentment, and so forth -a part of them resists the feeling, as if saying, "Don't feel that! It's too uncomfortable! I can't deal!" And that's when people might turn to food to cope or distract, or start attacking themselves or their bodies in some other way.

Other possible responses to this situation:

A dismissive parent might not notice that the girl was crying or might glance over and say, “You’re okay. It’s not the end of the world.” The girl learns her feelings are of no interest to others.

An angry parent might snap, “Stop crying, already!” The girl learns her feelings upset and irritate others.

A supportive parent might say, “Of course you’re upset, it’s okay to cry it out. Your feelings are hurt.”

The girl learns that her feelings are worthy of her attention and that it's okay to express them.

How do you soothe yourself when you’re upset?

Where did you learn to relate to yourself this way?

A note on mothers (and fathers): I believe parents usually do their best, given their circumstances and their upbringing, but sometimes their "best" can be harmful to their children. It's not helpful to blame parents, because that can keep people in a victim stance (ie, "It's their fault I'm this way!"). Explaining why one feels or reacts in certain ways can be healing, as it helps people understand why they react to themselves the way they do and facilitates change by opening up space to consider a different response and leads to empowerment (ie, "I understand that my upbringing impacted me in a particular way, but now that I get it, I can work to change it.")

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.