Are You A Mindreader?

ARE YOU A MIND READER?

When you walk into a room filled with strangers, what are your initial thoughts?

Do you think the best?  “These people are interested in me and can’t wait to meet me!

Or the worst?  “These people think I’m fat… boring… stupid..."

Believing other people are thinking the worse of you can be subtle, as in the following examples:

• Arturo sat on the couch in my office, telling me about his weekend.  He’d seen a couple of movies and spent time with his girlfriend.   I nodded, listening.  He sighed.  "You're right, I should have done some work this weekend.  I can’t believe how lazy I am."
  
  
•  Corinne wept in frustration as she described a recent problem at work.  She blew her nose and shook her head, apologetically.  "You probably think I'm such a crybaby."
  
  
• My friend Kellie and I had dinner recently, and she ordered dessert.  She gave me a sheepish look.  "I know what you're thinking.  I have no business eating tiramisu."

Each person in these examples projected his or her own critical thoughts about themselves, into me, and then felt guilty or ashamed.  

Arturo’s father always accused him of being a slacker, and he had internalized that view of himself.  He thought I was viewing him through his father’s eyes. 

Corinne grew up in a family that did not tolerate emotions or tears, which were viewed as signs of weakness.  She imagined that I was viewing her tears contemptuously. 

Kellie’s mother constantly monitored her weight, and Kellie thought I was doing so, too.

Questions:

What do you think others are thinking about you?   Are they critical?  Kind?  Indifferent?  Angry?

Who viewed you that way in the past?   How have you identified with them?

What is another way to view yourself and the situation?  What would you say to someone else in your position?    

“Arturo, it’s important to relax over the weekend and recharge your batteries.  That's practicing self-care, not slacking” 

“Corinne, it’s healthy to cry if you’re upset.  Feelings are a reaction to a situation, not a reflection of your character.” 

“Kellie, it’s okay to eat dessert, or anything, in moderation.”

Thoughts and beliefs lead to emotions, which influence behavior.  When you think the worst, you feel terrible, and may turn to an eating disorder to cope.  

When you believe others are interested in you, rather than critical of you, you feel less anxious/upset/guarded and are less likely to turn to disordered eating.

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Hungry For Love?

Relationship/attachment style is a predictor for vulnerability to disordered eating. Recognizing your attachment style can be a vital part of understanding what motives your disordered eating.  

There are four basic relationship/attachment styles:

1) Securely attached adults are comfortable with intimacy.   They tend to have positive views of themselves and others, and trust that closeness with another person can be a warm, positive, and mutually satisfying experience.  They are less likely to develop eating disorders.

2) Anxious-Preoccupied adults find it difficult to trust that the person they love or care about will be consistently available.   They dislike separation, fearing that “out of sight” leads to “out of mind” and they often seek reassurance that their partner is still there for them.

People who binge may be “hungry” for love but turn to food instead, unconsciously fearing they will never get enough or be satisfied in their relationships.  

3) Dismissive-Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness.  They often prize independence, telling themselves and others that they don’t need anyone else to be happy.  

Underlying this outward disinterest in relationships is the fear that intimacy will lead to rejection, pain or loss of self.  On some level, the belief is that “if you don’t get too close, you won’t get hurt.”  This relationship style is associated with anorexia.

The solution is to turn away from both people and food, restricting the intake of both food and love.

5) Fearful-avoidant adults simultaneously wish for closeness, yet fear intimacy.  They yearn for someone who is usually unavailable, and ardently pursue that person.  If the object of their affection returns their feelings, they lose interest, finding distance safer – until the pattern repeats.

This relationship style is associated with both bulimia and binge eating disorder in which bingeing is a symbolic way to fill up on food, an unconscious substitute for love, fulfillment, and needs. 

Those who struggle with bulimia then get rid of the food as a means of symbolically purging their needs.  In relationships, they allow closeness (binge), and then create distance (purge), as an expression of their conflict about trust. 

Are you more comfortable with distance, or closeness?  

What are your hopes and fears about intimacy?

Where did you learn to mistrust relationships?

How did your parents and others respond to your needs?

How do you respond to your own needs, wishes, and emotions?

Understanding what the conflict is, and how it came to be, is the first step to change.  When you feel safe with closeness, you will be less likely to use disordered eating as a means to create distance.

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

"Like" me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter

Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.